over, pulled.

"hi..." 

"how you doing tonight?"

"good?" (amused by officers shortness, tries not too laugh)

"license please."

"yes sir." (holds out license)

"do you know what the speed limit is?" (officer asks with an annoyed tone)

"thirty five miles per hour?"

"twenty five"

"oh, i didn't see that."

"have you been drinking?"

"yes."(shake head. attempt sincerity)

"how much did you have?"

"a beer and a mixed drink around 10:30." (lying. four whiskeys, one whiskey & coke. it's 2am)

"where did you come from?" (officer looks uninterested)

"the vault"

"follow my pen, don't move your head just use your eyes." (turns on flashlight and moves it horizontally a few times)

"yes sir." (hold breath)

"alright, step out of the car. turn off your lights."

"yes sir" (takes out key out of ignition. turns off lights. touches hole left from plug in ear)

"stand right there. i'm going to test your comprehension. what you do depends on how well you follow my instructions. do what i say."

"yes sir" (holds breathe again)

"now you said you were drinking?"

"yes sir. a beer and a mixed drink." (lying)

"do you have any sicknesses? medical conditions?"

"asthma. and a cut on the back of my foot."

"which foot?" (looks suspiciously)

"right foot."

"have you taken any medicine today?"

"just my inhaler. if thats a medicine?" (points to car. sees friend praying)

"alright, stand right there and put your feet together, your arms out and put your head back. keep your eyes closed until i say open. do you understand?"

"yes sir."

"alright, go ahead and do that"

"yes sir." (does said instructions. thinks about how alcohol consumed in the last hours. thinks about sex. thinks about god.)

"alright, you can relax." (takes notes on official looking clipboard) "next i want you to stand there on your right foot and look at your left. keep your arms out."

"can i adjust my bandage?" (points to foot. stares at fast food sign in distance)

"sure. want to do it barefoot?" (officer looks amused)

"not really."

"alright, begin then."

"yes sir." (stand on one foot. looks at sky, sees no stars. looks at toe and wiggles foot."

"good, relax. next time look at toe more. now switch feet." (officer look bored again might be thinking of wife or football. might be thinking of beer after work)

"yes sir." (stands on other foot, stares at shoe)

"good, relax. next you're going to put your arms out and tilt your head back. you're going to count to thirty then i'm going to tell you what hand to touch nose with. understand?"

"sure." (looks at officers hairless face. hones little to no respect)

"alright, put your feet together and head back. then count."

"okay. one one thousand. two one thousand..." (this goes on until thirty one thousand)

"good. now you see this imaginary line?  i want you to walk nine steps forward toe to toe, turn around and walk six steps back. start with your right foot both times."

"alright." (thinks how can one see an imaginary line. how can one walk a line that doesn't exist. walks forward nine steps, turns. looks at ymca and walks six steps)

"good. now come over to my car. sit here." (officer looks uninterested again)

"do you want me to sit on the hood?" (finds this increasingly funny as drunkenness fades)

"i don't care. sit on the hood or lean." (searches through car slowly)

"okay." (decides to sit on hood)

"now this is the involuntary blow device. go ahead and blow your hardest for forty-five seconds."

"okay." (puts mouth on oddly phallic devise, tries not to laugh. blows)

"blow harder. blow, blow, blow." (officer is laughing)

"sorry. the asthma." (lying)

"do you know what the dui limit is in the state of california?"

"zero point eight?"

"point zero eight. do you know what you got? higher or lower?"

"my guess would be lower?"

"you blew a point zero six. be safe tonight."

"okay. can i go?" (trying not to laugh)

"yeah sure."